SECRET CANON 1 ATTORNEY GENERAL AND PUBLIC DEFENDER

1  Prosecutorial Discretion

1(A)  We hold the prudent practice of "see, hear and speak no evil" essential as related to the office of the Attorney General [secretly called the "power structure's Mafia"]. Therefore:

• 1(A)(i)  We hold the latitude we give the Public Defender's office compensates for any inequality of justice or prosecutorial misconduct and
• 1(A)(ii)  We ignore the practice of overcharging by the Attorney General regardless of how many are forced into false admissions or plea bargains.
• 1(A)(iii)  We hold overcharging can assist bar members with revenue enhancement and improves efficiency by reducing demands for jury trials and we shall not consider
  • any guidelines stating otherwise or
  • the devastation in the lives of those so affected.
• 1(A)(iv)  Since it is the job of the Attorney General to "get" people, any means they use to do so is acceptable since they are the will and voice of the people.
• 1(A)(v)  If the Attorney General's Office violates laws, rules or ethics while "getting" people then let the trial process sort it out.  To hell with the following:
  • those who can't afford effective counsel, a trial or those having a Public Defender and
  • those who get a Judge skilled in the use of judicial discretion who covers up or ignores prosecutorial misconduct citing "judicial efficiency" and the "duty of the state."
• 1(A)(vi)  Having a bold aggressive Attorney General is of greater benefit to Society than any possible damage to individual life and liberty.

1(B) Public Defender

• 1(B)(i)  The importance we place on justice can always be measured by the amount of resources given the Public Defender in proportion to the amount of resources given the Attorney General.
• 1(B)(ii)  Under staffing and under funding of the Public Defender:
  • enhances Judicial efficiency and eases the court calendar by promoting plea bargains, suicides, breakdowns, despair, fleeing etc. and
  • can give us more bang for our buck by turning the Public Defender into an extension of the Attorney General's office and
  • can demonstrate effective use of the "good cop (Public Defender)" "bad cop (Attorney General)" scenario and
  • can assist members of the bar with property acquisition and other revenue enhancements.
• 1(B)(iii)  Any uncooperative Public Defender making an issue of judicial or prosecutorial misconduct or ethics violations shall be removed as quickly as possible.

SECRET CANON 2 JUDICIAL BEHAVIOR TOWARDS LITIGANTS

2(A)  Confident Litigants

Any litigant appearing confident can be baffled by minutia or Judicially enhanced procedural criteria.

2(B)  Judicial Dominance

Occasionally we encounter a litigant who doesn't know we are king.  We hold the following tools effective in forcing a resistant litigant into submission:

• intimidation by any means
• condescending looks, gestures or comments
• expressing or instigating anger, outrage or shock
• obvious impatience
• rushing the proceedings
• frequent checks of the time
• cautionary glances toward the Bailiff
• appearing distressed or uncomfortable like one needing to go to the bathroom
• yelling the magic word "NEXT!"
• raising unrelated, irrelevant or confusing issues and
• loud bangs using the gavel.

2(C)  The Need For Attorneys

We shall continue to stress the need to have an Attorney without addressing the fact the overwhelming majority of Americans can not afford them. This is effective in keeping the unresourceful and ineffective at bay.

2(D)  The Ultimate Authority

Citizens must be continually led to believe that the Judiciary is the final or ultimate authority in our system of Government.

2(E)  Practice Of Law Forbidden

We shall try as best we can to confuse clarifying issues with our inability to give advice. This makes us less apt to stick our foot in our mouth.

2(F)  Sincerity Of The Judiciary

We shall never appear insincere when stating absurdities, untruths, mistruths or nonsense. We shall always act like the hearer is unknowledgeable, naive or unseasoned.

2(G)  Judicial Fairness

We shall always remember when deciding the significance of an individual to consider money, connections, power, politics and the ability to get media attention in deciding how fair we need to be.

2(H)  Judicial Response To Criticism

We forever hold the response to valid or invalid criticism should be indignance.

2(I)  Judicial Efficiency

We hold instigating outrage, frustration, anger or other emotions in litigants can be an effective tool to rid ourselves of the unwanted litigant.

2(J)  Judicial Handling Of The Ignorant

The client demanding Justice and the full respect of their rights shall be treated with pity and patience.

2(K)  Judicial Authority

Due to the authoritative nature of black robes, we shall continue to resist their removal.

SECRET CANON 3 EXPERTS AND EXPERT TESTIMONY

3(A)  Efficiency Of Experts

We hold one of the greatest innovations for eliminating ineffective and unresourceful litigants is the ever expanding use of expert testimony.

3(B)  Evolution Of Experts

This innovation will reach maturity when we routinely use levels of experts on experts to testify on the validity and expertise of each expert.

SECRET CANON 4 JUDICIAL AND PROSECUTORIAL DISCRETION

4(A)  Discretion Defined

We maintain judicial and prosecutorial discretion is doing whatever we damn well please within the judicially prudent guidelines we happen to be following at the time.

4(B)  Review Of Discretionary Acts

We shall never promulgate awareness of the real legal issue regarding the use and review of judicial and prosecutorial discretion which is the process of reasoning used in the discretionary act's decision making process. We shall convert the process of reasoning argument into an argument regarding the validity of doing or not doing the discretionary act.

SECRET CANON 5 JUDICIAL OVERSIGHT

5(A)  Oversight Immunity

The immunity of everyone overseeing the Judiciary must be maintained to prevent witch hunts and the overzealous from affecting the independence of the Judiciary. The Judiciary does not require the vulnerable or corrective oversight of the masses.

5(B)  Judicial Objectivity

We shall always remember the real symbolic reason behind the woman with the blindfold and scale. Objectivity and independence means remaining as blind as possible to wrong doing committed by the Judiciary, members of the bar, and the resourceful and effective.

5(C)  Judicial Self-Evaluation

To maintain the independence of the Judiciary, we hold each others rulings to be legally and factually correct regardless of the injustice that results, the facts or the law.

5(D)  Judicial Opinions Of Judges

To insure effective oversight of the Judiciary, we shall never criticize each other regardless of the severity of the wrong or the injustice.

5(E)  Trust Us, We're Judges

We hold self monitoring and absolute immunity as foolhardy, ineffective and unworkable for everyone except the Judiciary and judicial oversight committees.

5(F)  Judicial Job Performance

To allows us to remain unconcerned about upsetting the status quo, we shall keep the public convinced their interference will negatively affect the independence of the Judiciary making Judges afraid to do their jobs.  

5(G)  The Judicial Mosaic Tablet

We shall forever speak of centuries of Judicial immunities as proof of Judicial immunities' necessity and effectiveness without ever mentioning Judicial wrongdoing has been around as long as Judges.

5(H)  Delay = Denied

We hold admission of any Judicial wrongdoing delayed is admission of Judicial wrongdoing denied.

5(I)  Complete And Through Review

We hold there is no judicial wrongdoing which can not be diminished by time, levels of hearings and precise dissection , categorization and delegation of related facts and responsibilities.

SECRET CANON 6 JUDICIAL THOUGHT AND LEGAL REASONING

6(A)  Judicial Zen

• 6(A)(i)  We hold the logic for our legal reasoning is embodied in the following statement which is understood only by the enlightened: "Because we open a window to the outside of this room does not mean we order, allow, permission or induce any air, dust, molecules, light waves, solar radiation, atoms, or any known or unknown wave or particulate matter from outside to enter this room and are not responsible if said events occur due to the contextual basis of our decisions."
• 6(A)(ii)  We believe in the existence of the metaphysical "third eye."  This enables us to selectively avoid looking out our other two eyes.
• 6(A)(iii)  In the beginning was our word. Our word was with God, our word IS God.
• 6(A)(iv)  To think is to be right.
• 6(A)(v)  There is no issue that cannot be split into parts, and there is no part that can't be considered as the whole issue.

6(B)  The Dangers Of Common Sense And Factual Integration

• 6(B)(i) The consideration of the end result our decision has when integrated with the "outside world" can lead to decisions based on "common sense" and must be avoided.
• 6(B)(ii)  "Common Sense" lessens the highly specialized analytical and intelligent nature of the Judiciary creating the undesirable illusion we think like the masses.
• 6(B)(iii)  "Common sense" must not be part of legal proceedings because it cannot be objectively verified.
• 6(B)(iv)  Large scale factual integration with realities of the outside world can negatively affect the perfection of our written word.

6(C)  Judicial Self Esteem

We endeavor to remain forever impressed with each other, our performance and our status irregardless of the availability or affordability of Justice.

6(D)  Lip Service

We hold the consideration and realities of the quality or delivery of Justice should be given lip service faithfully.

6(E)  The Third Person

We hold the "system" shall always be spoken of in the third person as if it operates independently from individuals.

6(F)  Judicial Secret Mantra

We may think but not say, "I am the closest thing to God you will ever know."

6(G)  Protection Of Status Quo

We shall remember "separate but equal" was around for 100 years.  If we hadn't listened to the masses it might still be good law. Therefore we shall keep the shades drawn so reality won't affect or disturb the independence of our decision making process or the Status Quo.

6(H)  The Written Word

We hold what looks good on paper must be good.

6(I) The Primary Concern

We shall never consider the end result of our decisions unless it could result in professional embarrassment, loss of status or media attention.

6(J) Public Ignorance

Arrogance is how Citizens define us when they are not fully aware of the nature or scope of our position.

6(K) Judicial Discretion

Judicial Discretion means we can do what we damn well please and is a great tool for denying appeals and judicial wrongdoing.

6(L) The Ultimate Truth

We irreversibly hold reality must conform to our decisions.

6(M)  Judicial Precision

We shall forever work on perfecting the art of the polite, dignified, respectful, orderly administered and well twisted screw.

6(N) The Judicial Last Laugh

As related to the Judiciary, the term "over my dead body" is not a cliche but factually correct.

SECRET CANON 7 JURIES AND JURY TRIALS

7(A)  Constitution Typo

We hold the right in the Constitution to jury trials in civil matters is a typo.

7(B)  Evidence Seen By Jury

We hold the illusion of justice can be created by thoughtful selection of the evidence seen by the Jury.

7(C)  Evolution Of Jury Trials

Except for criminal matters for the wealthy, we secretly maintain the elimination of jury trials and continue searching for ways to get that goddamn Constitution out of our way.

7(D)  Jury Nullification

We shall remember to act outraged at any mention of the vulgar practice called Jury Nullification.

7(D)(i)  Judicial View On Jury Nullification And Instruction

We hold the public does not have the intellectual sophistication to handle the power that comes with jury nullification. This power should only be in the hands of the Judiciary.

7(D)(ii)  Jury Instruction

In our continuing efforts to protect the public we must continue to "persuade" juries, via involuntary neurological suppression, into believing:

• 7(D)(ii)(1)  they can only do what we say and
• 7(D)(ii)(2)  they are not allowed to vote their conscience and
• 7(D)(ii)(3)  they should only vote regarding facts and judicially selected evidence, not facts and the law.

7(E)  Jury Selection

We must continue to use the word "random selection" when describing the jury selection pool since "random selection" can mean a non specific selection of any group.

SECRET CANON 8 JUSTICE

8(A)  The Value Of Justice

We forever hold Justice as the precious and proper administration of laws filtered by legal analysis and unaffected by the end result, even when the end result is the improper administration of laws.

8(B)  The Privilege Of Justice

We hold Justice to be more of a privilege than a right. As a result, Justice should never be dispensed casually, freely or indiscriminately.

8(C)  Appeals Insure Justice

We hold a denial of justice is an impossibility due to everyone's right of appeal. We hold this to be true irregardless of a litigant's time, money or resources.

8(D)  Justice For All

We hold Justice is for all , but only after first deciding which standard of law we will apply, the "spirit of the law" or the "letter of the law" and after;

• 8(D)(i)  the exact terminology and the exact questions are used to describe the injustice in the exact manner we require at the time and
• 8(D)(ii)  said terminology is precisely used with other precise terminology in the exact manner we happen to be requiring at the time and
• 8(D)(iii)  the exact form is used in the exact manner we happen to be requiring at the time and
• 8(D)(iv)  said form is exactly prepared with other exactly prepared forms which we are requiring at the time and
• 8(D)(v)  time requirements are exactly followed with respect to a host of issues that we happen to be requiring at the time and
• 8(D)(vi)  all tools of eliminating litigants have been judiciously attempted such as overcharging, plea bargain, premature dismissals, expert testimony, res judicata,etc. and
• 8(D)(vii)  we can't possibly find a way to use the great catch all "judicial discretion" to eliminate a litigant and
• 8D(viii)  we have made litigants go through as many possible steps as we can conjure up irregardless of the litigant's time or financial resources and
• 8(D)(ix)  any other judicially prudent, meticulous and painstaking attempt at finding a reason to avoid granting Justice unnecessarily.

8(E)  Due Process Defined

First, decide how we want the case to go.  Second, formulate a legal logic to support our decision.  Third, manipulate, dissect or eliminate the facts and evidence to support our decision.  Then the rubber stamp doctrine of "judicial discretion" will prevent most decisions from being overturned

SECRET CANON 9 LAW

9(A)  The Nature Of Law

We hold the nature of the law similar to "silly putty". We may bend, stretch or reshape the law to say what fits our purpose.

9(B)  The Flexibility Of Law

We hold the law is like the Bible, it can be made to say anything we want with enough quotes, viewpoints and cross references.

9(C)  The Standards Of Law

The "letter of the law" and the "spirit of the law" are two different legal standards of Justice and the Law. We may choose the standard that suits our fancy.

9(D)  The Equal Application Of Law

We hold the law must always be equally applied, depending on the circumstances and the litigant.

9(E)  No One Above The Law

We hold no one is above the law.  [Tee hee hee, wink wink]

SECRET CANON 10 ON AND OFF THE RECORD

10(A)  Purpose Of Back Room Meetings

We will make ample use of back room meetings to keep litigants in the dark. They can not and should not see or understand the process of litigation.

10(B)  Back Room Meetings Enhance Justice

• 10(B)(i) We hold injustice can not result from back room meetings because if wrongdoing occurs, clients can sue their Lawyers for malpractice.
• 10(B)(ii)  To avoid complications, we avoid mentioning or considering the resources required for or the near impossibility of finding a lawyer to sue another lawyer.

10(C)  Health Benefits Of Back Room Meetings

We hold the practice of moving to and from back room meetings can assist with circulation, constipation, rectal itch, gaseous emissions, breathing and caloric consumption.

10(D)  Back Room Meetings Are Open Court

We shall go off the record as much as possible being careful to maintain the illusion of "open court."

10(E)  The Unmentionable Contract

We prefer clients not be present in back room meetings while never mentioning we hold the client to whatever their lawyer agrees to in these meetings.

10(F)  Accuracy Of Record

We resist new equipment that transcribes immediately. We prefer to have the option of making corrections to insure accuracy before the record is transcribed.

10(G)  Consequences Of Clients At Back Room Meetings

We hold a client's presence at back room meetings can result in inappropriate evaluations of Judicial and Attorney conduct and expertise.

SECRET CANON 11 PRO SE'S, THE POOR AND INDIGENTS

11(A)  The Protection Of The Public

11(A)(i) We hold the need to protect the public from the dangers of self representation far outweighs the fair impartial administration of Justice. To protect the public from the dangers of self representation we shall:

• 11(A)(i)(1)  approach the Pro Se, poor or indigent's complaint from this objectively protective and compassionate position, "Is there anyway I can deny this petition?"
• 11(A)(i)(2)  use Judicially prudent unbiased techniques to intimidate, frustrate, anger, nit pick, postpone, play with or in any other way rid ourselves of a Pro Se, poor or indigent litigant.
• 11(A)(i)(3)  assist the Pro Se, poor or indigent in a resolution by bending or ignoring the rules on ex parte communications.
• 11(A)(i)(4)  nurture an unfriendly environment in a dignified and polite manner.
• 11(A)(i)(5)  minimize or ignore Judicial, Court or Attorney errors while magnifying any errors of the Pro Se, poor or indigent litigant.
• 11(A)(i)(6)  politely move on to the next case before the Pro Se, poor or indigent is finished. This will assist eliminating them later with arguments such as Res Judicata.

11(B)  Disposition Before Written Decisions

• 11(B)(i)  It is best to be rid of a Pro Se, poor or indigent litigant before having to render a decision requiring written legal analysis.
• 11(B)(ii)  If forced to render a written opinion on a Pro Se , poor or indigent case, we will stick to or switch to the arguments that validate our desired position.
• 11(B)(iii)  In Pro Se poor or indigent cases, we prefer unpublished opinions. This makes it easier to perpetuate non sequiturs and pseudo-justice while maintaining the illusion of due process.
• 11(C)(iv)  We hold "giving the dog a bone" occasionally is good practice and gives us some ammunition when our integrity is questioned.

11(C)  The Superiority Of Bar Members

When dealing with a Pro Se, poor or indigent litigant, we shall always give credence to members of the Bar's arguments, regardless of how absurd or off point they are.

11(D)  The Superiority Of The Status Quo

In cases involving the system, member of the bar or the status quo versus the Pro Se, poor or indigent litigant make sure the system, member of the bar or the status quo prevail regardless of how you must ignore or pervert the issues .

11(E)  Irrebuttable Presumption Of Pro Se Ignorance

We hold the Pro Se, poor or indigent litigant does not or can not understand the complex issues of litigation.

11(F)  Methods For Smart Alec Pro Se, Poor Or Indigent Litigants

If a Pro Se, poor or indigent does understand the issues we shall:

• 11(F)(i)  repeatedly bait them to go off point or
• 11(F)(ii)  convince them they don't understand or
• 11(F)(iii)  diligently look for and focus on a point they don't understand clearly or
• 11(F)(iv)  continue until they err, running with the error to make a touchdown.

11(G)  Attitude Toward Naive Pro Se, poor or indigent Litigant

We shall always take a patient but condescending attitude with a Pro Se, poor or indigent litigant that is so naive as to demand and expect fair, impartial Justice and the law applied as written.

11(H)  The Inability To Practice Law

Our inability to give legal advice or advocate is restricted to Pro Se, poor or indigent litigants, not members of the bar, the fictitious corporate person or the State.

11(I)  The In Forma Pauparis Hearing

We hold when questioning a litigant attempting to file In Forma Pauparis regarding what they own to never reveal the legal definition of "own" is to have and hold title. This effectively eliminates the unresourceful and ineffective and our ass is covered.

11(J)  The Judicial Nightmare

The nightmare of having the public believe they have a chance of receiving justice without a lawyer must be avoided at all costs. The Courts are best operated as a "members only" organization.

SECRET CANON 12 PUBLIC AND THE MEDIA

12(A)  Appeasing The Public

• 12(A)(i)  Exemplifying one case where the system worked can cover a multitude of sins.
• 12(A)(ii)  Occasional written opinions regarding concern about justice for the poor are effective in perpetuating the myth that we are continually and aggressively working on this issue.
• 12(A)(iii)  When all else fails, schedule future hearings.

12(B)  Handling Of Liability

We hold where liability of the privileged, the system or the status quo is involved, admission of wrong doing or error causes more harm than good. However, occasionally throwing the dog a bone can cover a multitude of sins.

12(C)  Objective Public Image Maintained

We will continue to resist equipment in legal proceedings that can record emotion, attitude or personality traits which can affect the course of proceedings.

12(D)  High Profile Trials

High profile trials are an opportunity to show Americans the way the system should work. This is advantageous to the overwhelming majority of Americans who would never see it otherwise. This also minimizes complaints of the non-existence of an effective judicial system.

12(E)  The Priority Of The Public Trust

We hold the public trust must be maintained regardless of how we have to lie, cheat or steal to maintain it.

12(F)  Media Focus and Public Attention

We hold hearings on any judicial wrongdoing should never be conducted when media attention or public awareness is high.

12(G)  Judicial Verbal Equivalents To The Finger

When dealing with the public and the media, we shall never forget the power of the statements,

• "You don't understand the intricacies and operations of law" and
• "It would be inappropriate for me to comment" and
• "Many times Judges have knowledge of details not known by the public."

SECRET CANON 13 RULES AND PROCEDURES

13(A)  Value Of Justice

We hold Justice should always be fought for, never freely handed out.

13(B)  The True Essence Of Procedure

We shall strive to find the breaking point in each individual.

13(C)  Productivity

To create the illusion of productivity we shall forever hold Justice in front of litigants like a carrot on a stick.

13(D)  Administration Of Justice

We hold the selective and selectively meticulous application and adherence to rules and procedure can be used to override the administration of Justice if the administration of Justice requires it.

13(E)  The Obstacle Course Objective

We shall always remember the amount of Citizens we have to deal with is contingent on the number of hoops we require they go through.

13(F)  Time Of The Essence

We shall remember time is on our side and the passage of time can create the illusion of thoroughness.

13(G)  Due Process

We hold the term "due process" can imply the payment of money.

SECRET CANON 14 THE SUPREMACY OF THE CORPORATE PERSON

14(A)  The Corporate Person v. The Individual

• 14(A)(i) The fictitious Corporate person shall be held in higher esteem than the individual.
• 14(B)(ii)  We hold individuals are better represented by a corporate entity. This is more efficient and results in fewer demands for Rights or Justice.

SECRET CANON 15 LYING AND TRUTH TELLING

15(A) The Ethics Of Lying

• 15(A)(i) To maintain the ethical nature of legal proceedings, the word "lie" is considered vulgar as related to statements from the Judiciary or members of the bar.
• 15(A)(ii)  We shall use terms like misspoke, spoken in error, inadvertent utterance, involuntary neurological transmission, spontaneous somnambulistic manifestation or some terminology denoting non deliberate intent when describing the statements in question.
• 15(A)(iii)  We hold the near impossibility of the existence of the lie because objective reality can have countless varied creative interpretations and constructive descriptions. Calling another's view of objective reality a lie shows a lack of intelligence, creative viewpoints and critical thinking skills.

15(B) The Ethics Of Truth

15(B)(i) We hold truth is that which is least damaging to the status quo.